By Kristina Dobyns, M.S.
My Story
For over twenty years, my life was dominated by binge eating. Clinically speaking, Binge Eating Disorder (BED) is defined as a complex condition characterized by recurrent episodes of eating objectively large quantities of food, often rapidly and to the point of discomfort, accompanied by regret and shame. In real life, every decision I made revolved around avoiding or succumbing to the pattern. I crafted elaborate plans to stop bingeing that consistently failed, leading to cycles of shame and self-reproach. Opportunities were missed, relationships were shut down, and vast amounts of time, energy, and money were wasted on both bingeing and therapy. Despite my deep desire to stop, I found myself caught in a relentless cycle of bingeing, hiding food, and feeling utterly out of control. At my worst, I gained 100 pounds in three months, facing public humiliation and intense psychological pain.
My mother passed away in 2020, leaving me an orphan at age 38. Covid took the world by storm; I felt utterly alone, I was overcome by crashing waves of uncertainty and grief, and despite all my efforts, I was bingeing out of control. My thoughts exposed raw vulnerabilities: I’ve tried everything. I’ve done so many years of therapy, even intensive outpatient therapy; I’ve done neurofeedback, amino acid therapies, hypnosis, psychedelics, medication, support groups, special diets, no diets, reiki, acupuncture, everything under the sun. And all that exists is this eating disorder. I’m over this.
This severe existential crisis led me to five weeks in residential treatment, questioning my life and genuinely scratching my head about what avenues I could pursue for recovery. I realized that despite my extensive participation in athletics and attempts to connect to myself, there was a lot of room to grow. A disconnection between my mind and body still permeated my existence. I wanted to learn how to deepen my embodiment. It was as a result of this crisis that I began to truly pursue the role of my body in the recovery process and enrolled in graduate school to support my study as an academic as well as an experiential journey.
Over time, I experimented with different body-based movements and meditations. The most effective for me was sensory strategies that emphasized the body’s crucial role in self-regulation and healing. For individuals like me, BED is not merely a psychological issue. Insights from my studies in somatic psychology and occupational therapy suggest that binge eating is a somatic manifestation of nervous system dysregulation. Cognitive behavioral therapies and other modalities such as acceptance and commitment therapy, internal family systems, or dialectical behavioral therapy only helped me to a certain point. I made intellectual progress in understanding my origin story and where I could benefit from more flexibility in my thinking, but I found myself still returning to binge eating time and time again. Learning how to use my body as a resource helped me self-soothe, resist dissociation, and self-regulate in powerful, free, and always available ways. In my experience, by embracing my body as a vital resource, the path to recovery became significantly clearer and more attainable.
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Photo Credits
Woman with cup of cookies: Tamas Pa on Unsplash
Binge eating collage: SPT Magazine archives
