I am about to take two risks. The first is a great big leap into the unknown; at age 62 I have decided to end a marriage of 30 years. The second is to begin this article with this disclosure, which I have chosen to do because alongside my vulnerability is an energetic expansion and a clarity related to the decision to let go. To let go of what is known in my life and allow myself to be guided by inner truth into a void. To move into the unknown with trust in my heart knowing that this is a move toward love.
Over the years I have accompanied clients of every age as they struggle with major life decisions. Do I let go of this job, this partner, make this move, say yes to this opportunity? No stranger to the fears, ambivalence, and at times paralysis that can overtake us all when facing major life decisions, I know the multifarious obstacles, questions and “what if’s” that make critical life choices arduous. Yet here, at one of the most consequential junctures of my life, with mind still, energy grounded, and heart open, I am just saying, “Yes.”
Perhaps you are asking yourself if I have a secret lover who is inviting me to a new level of late-life sexual fulfillment waiting for me on the other side of divorce? In truth something more compelling is calling me forth—a deep felt sense of the life-force pulsing in every cell of my body urging me to honor my longing. Clear as a bell it beckons me forward toward more aliveness, more love, and yes, why not, perhaps the possibility of late-life sexual fulfillment. I step forward with no guarantees, knowing only that my willingness to step into the void is what opens me to new possibilities. Goodness, the old me barely recognizes the new me.
It’s been a journey to get to the place where I can trust my heart in this way. Twenty-three or so years ago, while attending a workshop led by John Pierrakos MD, Core Energetics founder, we were led as participants through an exercise he called, “A Step Toward Love.” John asked us to stand and to find the felt sense of longing in our body. My heart grew weighty and my chest swelled with the depth and breadth of that semi-sweet sad sensation as I began to touch my longing. He invited us to stay with it, then close our eyes, raise our arms, and reach with the force of that longing. I could feel the energy surging from my heart through my arms. The next instruction was to walk forward, at whatever pace felt real, toward that which he simply called “Love.” Instantly my mind began to formulate questions. “What does this mean?” “How specific do I get?” “What exactly is it that I am longing for?” “What’s the point of even doing this?” Although I could feel myself walking and reaching, most of my energy had shifted out of my heart and into my head. I had to make frequent stops to reconnect with my body. It was a challenge to stay embodied and present to the feeling and difficult to walk with any enduring consciousness of that longing as the fuel propelling me forward.
You can read more about Lisa’s journey here
