By Dr. Elya Steinberg
The Triangle We Cannot Escape—Until We Can
There’s a pattern that repeats itself endlessly in human relationships, one that Felitti and De Zulueta (1988) articulated with devastating clarity in their work on the trauma triangle. We cycle through three positions: Victim, Persecutor, and Bystander—the one who observes suffering but does nothing to intervene, who stands by while harm unfolds.
If we lived these dynamics as children—and most of us did, in various forms and intensities—we don’t just remember them. We internalize the entire triangle. It becomes the water we swim in, the air we breathe, the automatic choreography of our relationships. We oscillate between positions, often without awareness, recreating the very patterns that wounded us.
Here’s the cruel paradox: The child who was victimized grows up and, in certain contexts, becomes the persecutor. The adult who was persecuted can, in the very same moment, persecute another. The person who once stood by helplessly may now stand by as others suffer, caught in the same paralysis that allowed their own suffering to continue.
The triangle doesn’t end when childhood ends. It lives in us, playing out across our adult relationships, our professional work, our intimate connections. Until we find a way out.
That way out is what I call the fourth position.
The Triangle in Action
Let me show you what this looks like in practice.
To read Dr. Steinberg’s article, please click here
